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I'm mama.

As a full time working mama, I of course, (like all other mama’s, working outside of the home or not) have guilt.  As a working mom, my guilt comes in the nature of the amount of time I get to spend with my girl.  Is it enough?  Can I work full time and be THE BEST mama in the world to my little angel?  Can I be super mom?  Can I really establish the bond I want with my kids and work outside of the home, full time? 

 

And whether it is intentional or not, (which I am sure it isn’t) but society and other women create pressures, “norms,” and thoughts that creep into my mind on a constant basis.  For instance, I was reading a blog one day and the author was a stay at home mom talking about how she sometimes feels guilt for NOT working, for not using her degree and doing something she loves and whether she was fulfilled by being a stay at home mom…and she got her confirmation by meeting a lady who was working in her field (as an older woman) and ensured the blog author that “she was absolutely doing the right thing by staying at home with her babies, work can come later…focus on your babies now.  That’s what’s important.”  And while this conversation provided comfort for a stay at home mom who had guilt and mixed feelings about not working…it did the EXACT opposite for me.  See how that works?!?  It created in me even more guilt and sadness that I wasn’t AT HOME all day with my baby.  Was I making a mistake?  Would I regret this? 

 

It’s probably without a doubt, one of the absolute HARDEST decisions that families make.  It is SO very personal and yet, also invokes so many feelings between women.  In a nutshell, you MUST make the decision and feel comfort in that you made the decision that is best for YOUR family.  Of course you can change your mind later so you choose.  But, it’s YOUR decision and you are the one that needs to feel comfortable with it. 

 

And you know what…I do.  As much as I would LOVE to work a little less…I know without a DOUBT that working is what is best for ME.  I am in no way, shape or form built to be a stay at home mom.  Does that mean I love my little booger any less? ABSOLUTELY NOT.  In fact, I think the opposite…I love her so much that I am choosing the BEST option for her and us right now as a family.  (For the sake of being COMPLETELY open and honest, had I not gone to law school and have over $40,000 in student loans, my view on this situation may be completely different.   I still know I would want to WORK outside of the home, but I may be more open or able to find something that requires less time, i.e. part time work) 

 

But, back to the whole point (there was one of those, I think) of this post.  Point is….my girl knows mama.  She is a mama’s girl thru and thru.  And me working doesn’t affect that.  We are absolutely in LOVE with Ms. Weezie (her childcare provider) and couldn’t feel better about where Collins spends her days…but make no mistake, I’m mama.  She wants ME when she’s sad, sick, or sleepy.  Collins knows, without a doubt who her parents are.  I think that was one of the things I was scared about being a working outside of the home mom, was that C would grow to love her childcare provider more than me or have a closer bond with that person than her own parents.  But, while Collins does absolutely adore her “zeezie” she squeals with delight when daddy or I walk thru that door each day.   It’s me she clings to, runs to, and gets sad when I leave.   And that is what’s important to me.  That is how I know I am making the right decision.  She’s happy, loved, and cared for all day but she’s still a mama’s girl.  I’m still “it.”  If that ever changes, maybe I’ll be re-thinking my decisions…but for now we are in a good place. 

 

I get three solid, good, amazing hours a weekday with my girl and sometimes I ache for more than that…but at the end of the day I know that is what is BEST for us right now.  So….this long winded post is really just a post about my feelings on being a working mom and the guilt that I get, and how I know that it’s okay.

 

Maybe I’ll have something more cheery tomorrow?

 

Xoxo.

 

 



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