The Rat Race.
I’ve been doing this whole “full time working mom thing” for
a grand total of about 4.5 months now, and I’m already WORN out. OVER it.
*This is going to be a rant post* Yes, I am extremely grateful for all the blessings in my life…but I’m also
human, and sometimes I just need to
vent. I just don’t understand how I can do it all?!? And I SO want to be
able to do it ALL. I’m already stressing
about how I will get my children to dance/soccer/whatever practices in the
future if I have to work until 5/6 every day.
Not only getting them there…but I want to BE there with them. Ridiculous,
right? But, that’s just where my mind is
right now. How can I make this happen?
For starters, I want to work. I like my job. I like the challenge I get at work. I need that stimulation and I really enjoy
going to court and interacting with other attorneys and Judges on a weekly
basis. I know that staying home FULL
time is just not for me…I was getting antsy just being home on my maternity
leave. With that being said though…what
I REALLY want is to work part time. We
can all dream, right? I’m SO jealous of
moms who have that opportunity. I’d love
a 7:30-3:30 work day …or 8:30 if we are dreamingJ Unfortunately, with the career choice I made…this
seems hard to find. I love being a
lawyer, I do…but sometimes I wish I would have thought a little harder about
how I would feel working full time when I had kids when I was 21 and deciding
to go to law school. Sigh…if I didn’t
have student loans to go to law school I would probably be choosing a different
career right now. I want a career…I just
don’t want one FULL time right now. *And the thing about it is…to work full
time I actually have it made because I can be done by 5 or 5:30 every day and
that is RARE in my industry.* UGH. As it is right now…unless I can find a firm
that will let me go contract or something…that’s just not in the cards. And with our present economy leaving your job
without the security of knowing there will be one when you go back to work just
isn’t smart. When my mom had me…even
though money was tight, she stayed out a year from work, but it wasn’t a big
deal then because she KNEW she would have a job waiting for her when she came back. I JUST WANT TO WORK PART TIME…WAHHHWAHHHWAHHH…okay
enough about that.
It’s just that nights are HARD. (And yes, I realize I’m nowhere near the
first person to have this problem and I won’t be the last) We get home between 5:30 and 6 every night
and from then until I crash in bed it is GO,GO,GO. We RARELY sit down and watch a TV show
anymore at night…just not enough time. The
only real relaxation time I get at night right now is when I nurse Collins
before she goes to bed and when I finally get in bed and have about 30 minutes
to unwind because I can’t EVER fall asleep right away. Between taking walks, keeping up with the
laundry, playing with, feeding, bathing Collins, cooking our dinner, doing
dishes, packing lunch and Collins’ stuff for the next day and any other random house
chore that needs to be done I am EXHAUSTED by 9:30 or 10 and hardly have any
time to think/breathe before getting into bed.
And let me just say, this isn’t because my husband doesn’t help. Mikey helps a LOT. He cooks, he helps clean,
he plays with Collins, he takes care of the yard work and he has bankers school
stuff to keep up with. I can’t even
imagine what I would do if he didn’t help.
It’s just Monday thru Thursday nights are a MAD house. I just don’t see that ever changing in the
near future unless my job demands change.
I want to be the mom that does it all. I want to have a great career AND be a great
mom. I feel like it is so hard to do
BOTH. *There was actually a magazine article
about this recently, talking about how the feminist movement didn’t really
serve women well because now we are expected to be able to have a career AND be
super mom and it’s just plain HARD.* I want to go to work every day and be
challenged but I also want to be with my daughter more. I want to excel in the firm world but I also
want to be able to be at all of my children’s plays, practices, games, day care
events, etc. Unfortunately practices for
kids start before 6. How can I do
that? Ahhhh. I hope and pray that one day in the near
future (next year or so) I am able to find a job that allows me this
opportunity. There’s got to be one out
there somewhere….right?!?
Sorry to be so pouty/ungrateful but this is just what’s been
weighing on my mind and heart lately and I want to remember…the good and the
bad.
Until then, more pictures of my favorite girl in the world
to keep me happy.
Getting so big!
Maybe something more exciting next time. We are off to CHARLESTON for a wedding weekend and to spend some time with our besties and Collins' future husband;-)
GO COCKS!
OMG Caroline, totally feel the same way with this whole career choice, and I don't even have kids yet! I think I read that same article, too.
ReplyDeleteOh Caroline, this is the one part of being a working mom that I could never share with you until you ARE one! You've summed up my entire 4 year struggle in your post. Now I'm experiencing it all over again with Grady! I just had this conversation with Matt the other night...how are we as women expected to be bread winners, mothers, wives, cooks, hostesses, etc. etc. etc. and still remain sane or have a moment to ourselves. I feel like you Monday-Thursday as well. Even that extra hour I get doesn't help the feeling and you're just so torn wanting to be it all and do it all. I am here for you girl, cause I struggle with and feel the same as you and have been through every emotion in the book about it! Love you! Christie
ReplyDeleteI don't remember how I found your blog, but I've been reading it for a while. This post hit home for me. I have three kids (the oldest will soon be 4, the youngest is 5 months) and I have the same work issues you do. Nights are rushed and crazy, mornings are rushed and crazy. I have no idea how we'll ever fit in school events, sports and other things in the future. I'm exhausted every night when I go to bed and my husband is a very hands on dad and a great husband. It's not like I do this alone! My only suggestion is that if you don't have cleaning help I'd suggest looking into that. It's a huge help. Good luck!
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